My Olympic Favs.

1. Random Countries, Random sports. 216 athletes will compete from the United States. A 17 year old named Mehdhi-Selim Khelefi will be competing in cross country. He’s from Algeria (that place famous for its cross-country trails in Northern Africa). A sweet little 35 year old from Ghana will compete in the Downhill event. Both are the only guys competing from their country. I hope in my heart of hearts that at least someone invites them out for a beer. Or that they win gold. One or the other.

2. Spandex. My favourite thing about spandex is the following: you meet a person at the bar or the grocery store and they seem totally normal. BUT, this person might go home, or to some sporting venue and put on skin-tight full-body (head included!) attire and go about their business. YOU’D NEVER KNOW! Spandex is only for the truly brave and truly fit and it takes a real man or woman to wear it, though I suspect it’s something they’d never tell you about.

3. Doubles Luge. I think nothing displays true trust and friendship more than donning a full body spandex outfit, lying on another man’s lap, getting on a small medal sled and roaring down a medal track at 80 mph. I only wish I had friends that good.

4. It could happen to anyone. I grew up Racing at Chicopee Ski Hill, which had a vertical drop of almost 200 feet and over 225,000 skier visits per year. I grew up to be a mediocre skier who poses a minor threat at Town Series Racing (mostly at the after party), but my nemesis Kelly grew up to kick my ass at Chicopee Racing, High School Racing and generally put a giant shadow over my reign of those 200 vertical feet. Kelly qualified for the 2010 Olympics in the downhill and made the national team. The moral of the story? Anyone can qualify for the Olympics, especially if they’re a better skier than me.

5. Obscure Sports. When I was younger, I participated in soccer, skiing and softball. There were occasional weirdos who got to ride horses, or do figure skating, but there wasn’t a single kid who did aerials on the weekend or went out skate skiing and shooting after school. Where do these people come from? How, as a parent, do you say to your kid- “yeah, snowboarding’s cool, but have you considered soaring 70 metres through the air on fat tele gear? Your mother thinks it’s a great idea.”

6. Random Mascots: What in the hell are these things? Is there a “How to Run The Olympics” Handbook? Step one: choose date. Step two: build stadium. Step three: buy crayola crayons for mascot design. What do these have to do with anything? Nada- but everyone wants their picture with one! Marketing genius those Olympic folk.

7. Non-athletic sports. I like when people can compete in sports and not be athletes. I bet most of the US Curling Team works part time at Home Depot and pound a sixer of Miller High Life before, during and after a match. This gives me hope for becoming an Olympic athlete. I’m probably not even going to start trying until I’m 41.

8. Ski Ballet. Seriously. Whatever happened to ski ballet? Will it come back? Should I throw away my 6 foot poles, hopes and dreams? Wikipedia tells me that ski ballet was a demonstration sport in 2 Olympics, but was “discontinued” after 2000. I guess I should have paid closer attention.

9. Figure Skaters on the podium: I occasionally skate at the local rink in Red Lodge and the most harrowing part of it is “walking” from the change room to the ice. Whenever I watch those gold medalists ascend to the part of a podium my heart races. I know it’s not patriotic or “in the spirit of the olympics,” but every time they teeter up those steps, I hope that I’m about to watch the first Rodeo 540 off the podium.

10. Hockey. There is simply nothing on the face of the earth more exciting that Olympic hockey. However, let’s crank it up a notch, and have Olympic Hockey in a country that lives for Olympic Hockey. Imagine if the Canadians lose?! Now THAT’S entertainment. Seriously though, Olympic hockey rules.